Friday, December 24, 2010

Funniest Sayings & Happenings EVER (Part 1)

My friends Peyton and Brad (brother and sister) once got into a healthy sibling argument over the authenticity of the element Manganese (Mn).  Brad was certain it was an element on the periodic table.  Peyton was convinced it was a people group.  Ever since, when Brad is emphatic about something he knows is right, he shouts "MANGANESE!!"  And you know you've been called to the mat.  There is no higher appeal to truthfulness.

While stopping for an emergency restroom break on the outskirts of Bay County, FL on the way to Panama City, as I walk into the store I see some rough neck characters with no shirt and some questionable tattoo art.  Suddenly I hear the clerk yell at one of them, "Hey Gator (guys nick-name), now you know you cain't bring 'at gun in here!"  Time to go.

My friend Jason used to be a chain-smoker, but he was conscientious chain-smoker.  Following the advise of ol' Smokey Bear, he used to place his cigarette butts in a water bottle in his truck to avoid starting a forest fire.  One night...Jason was thirsty.  He couldn't see very well so he mistook his fresh water bottle with about a six-month-old bottle of fermented cigarette butt water.  Off came the cap and up went the bottle.  Upon feeling a butt enter his mouth, Jason's eyes instantly bulged from their sockets and much spewing and gagging ensued.

My daughter Madelyn is a ham at the age of three.  She gets it from Amber.  Amber walks into her room one day which was a disaster.  When Maddie saw the look on Amber's face, her response was "Mom, just look at this mess!  You gonna clean this up??"  Priceless.  She also calls fruit snack "poot-snacks" and passing gas is called having "poo poo crackers."

As an early teen, my wife Amber went to MGM and went on the Alien ride.  When she got home she was recounting her experience when she explained how the aliens dropped down from out of the ceiling and all their testicles (aka tentacles) popped out. Her sister-in-law Tammy just responded, "Wow, just imagine the look on all those people's faces..."

On another occasion in Panama City, some buddies and I decided to go crabbing for blue crabs.  One of the guys asked where we were going and I said to find a few crabs.  He thought I said to go find "fu-crabs."  His response, what the heck are fu-crabs?  Had to be there, but this is how the legend of the fu-crab began.

My sister and my mom were making buck-eyes for Christmas this year.  About half way through, they decided to make a few for my Uncle "Bubba" using smooth peanut butter instead of crunchy since he always complains about it.  To give a little context, my uncle (God bless him) is more than a little odd and he's always thought of himself as the "Italian Stallion" but he's closer in reality to My Little Pony.  So my sister says (without fully appreciating it), "Mom, we're giving Bubba something he's always wanted...nutless balls."

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